books pdf How to Archer Author Sterling Archer –

Lying Is Like % Of What I Do But Believe Me In This Book, I Ll Let You Know Exactly How To Become A Master Spy Just Like Me Obviously, You Won T Be As Good At It As I Am, But That S Because You Re You, And I M Sterling Archer I Know, I Know, It Sucks Not Being Me But Don T Beat Yourself Up About It, Because I M Going To Show You All The Good Stuff What To Wear What To Drink How To Seduce Women And, When Necessary, Men How To Beat Up Men And, When Necessary, Women How To Tell The Difference Between Call Girls And Hookers Hint When They Re Dead, They Re Just Hookers And Everything About Weapons, Secret Devices, Lying Ex Girlfriends, And Turtlenecks In A Word How To Archer

10 thoughts on “How to Archer

  1. says:

    Secret agent Sterling Archer has written a book about being a spy, but he isn t very happy about it.Archer thought he was being asked to write his memoirs, but after a seven martini lunch and a sexual encounter with his editrix , he learned that his contract was actually for a how to book Sterling doesn t like this because it ll probably make his job harder if he gives away all his trade secrets, and he isn t even going to get to do a chapter about cobras An editrix is a female editor Seriously, read a book sometime.While Archer may be grumpy, it s good news for those of us who enjoy watching his exploits on the FX television show Not only do we get the inside scoop of what it takes to be a world class secret agent, Archer also shares his tips for grooming, clothing, dining, sex, and most importantly, his favorite cocktail recipes Here s a sample Singapore SlingInvented in the Long Bar of that timeless jewel of the Orient, the Raffles Hotel From which I was banned after an unfortunate incident involving two prostitutes, a lemur, a rickshaw and driver and several members of the Singapore Police Force s Gurkha Contingent And let me just say this about that if you ever want to get the absolute shit kicked out of you and want it done in a precise and professional manner the Gurkhas are THE shitkickers for you Anyway, it s lame the Raffles banned me, so I m not including their stupid drink The book is filled with pearls of wisdom like this from the world s greatest secret agent Who says he s the world s greatest secret agent Archer does Repeatedly.There s plenty of stuff that Archer fans will recognize At last we have the recipes to make Green Russians and Eggs Woodhouse While it s got the same style of humor, it doesn t rely on recycling jokes from the show, and the tone of the book so exactly matches Archer s manner that I could hear H Jon Benjamin s voice in my head while reading How is there not an audio version of this My only complaint is that aside from a brief introduction from Archer s mother Mallory, we don t hear from of his coworkers Hopefully, they ll do another tie in book written by Pam so we can learn all about being a human resource director as well as an underground street racer and champion fight club participant.Later, tator

  2. says:

    ARCHER FUN FACT BOURBON Contrary to popular belief, bourbon whiskey may be produced anywhere in the United States, and not exclusively in Kentucky Same thing goes for banging your cousin.So, and it s totally okay if you don t believe me, I actually do research for books that I m working on I needed to learn a little, not much, but a little about spies and spying and survival and guns and such I decided that I needed to read several books to get the proper info The main two being Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and Steelwhisper s precious Ultimate SAS Survival I went to to grab those but then saw this and the choice was obvious.I laughed my ass off for the few hours this took to read Truly funny stuff I was in a foul mood when I started and happy when I finished It made me forget all about the argument I had earlier in the day The argument I will later deny having, because not denying it would be admitting I was mad, which I was not, because I don t get mad, because that would be immature.

  3. says:

    The economy being what it is according to Malory Archer, probably due to all these immigrants driving around everywhere in their lowriders, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs , I did not immediately purchase this book However, when I came across it for 2.99 on I thought hey, like the lives of six pygmies sacrificed to get a Brazilian rosewood desk, this was really a small price to pay.What does this book have in common with commandeering an airboat, kickin it with Burt Reynolds, simultaneously breaking two personal records for breath holding and number of sharks shot in the fact , Eggs Woodhouse and men s lacrosse Algonquin for bloodsport They re freaking AWESOME Duh Even though, as Archer admitsA book can t teach someone how to be equal parts deadly and sexy That s like asking a cobra to write a book about how to be a cobra You ll get some great tips on how to be like the world s greatest secret agent no, not the British he who shall not be named , and some interesting factoids Exhibit A Pounds per square inch needed to break a human collarbone adult 7 Pounds per square inch needed to break a human collarbone child 11 That s as far as I got because I read that statistic and got freaked out that someone actually researched that And then I started thinking about why it takes pounds of pressure to break a kid s collarbone, and all I can figure is it s because they re shorter The collarbones, not the kids Although I assume the test kids were also pretty short And, since I don t have a HarperCollins editrix breathing down my neck to reach an unreasonable word count of 30,000 that s all I m gonna say about it.

  4. says:

    I am a big fan of the animated show Archer so when I saw this book I jumped on it Is it great literature No Is it informative about spy stuff and cocktails Not really Is it an intimate personal view of the character Nope Is it a hilarious trip through his alcoholic soaked, overblown ego Yep Essential reading for Archer fans PHRASING

  5. says:

    5 Super Spy Stars Maybe Chinese Archer is the man God I really love that show When I saw this book for sale I knew that I would have to read it This could make my job harder.And while there are many things to like about being a devastatingly handsome, martini drinking, jet setting, model banging, world s greatest secret agent, hard work isn t one of them If I wanted to work hard, I d be a farmer Albeit a devastatingly handsome one So even though my contract with the man hating, unkempt berfeminists at HarperCollins makes it abundantly clear that I am legally bound especially now that I ve spent the advance to write a how to book, I am doing so only because said aforementioned contract is apparently iron fucking clad.But whatever I bloom where I m planted I loved this part of the swords chapter Swords, especially samurai and or ninja ones, are exceptionally cool However, their use is of limited practical value to the secret agent, especially given the fact that somebody invented gunpowder about a million years ago I have not trained in fencing or vaginal hygiene , so if I am forced to use a sword in combat, I just swing it around like a baseball bat while screaming, at the top of my lungs There can be only one Which, if done correctly, is surprisingly effective Too funny This book is less about how to be a super spy and about how to be Archer the man, and looks count This is so fitting since that is pretty much the code by which he lives life.Archer tells us everything you need to know about being a spy, fighting, intelligence gathering, and even torturing And so intelligence gathering is divided into two general categories human intelligence or HUMINT and signals intelligence or SIGINT.Signals intelligence gathering relies on a variety of electronic devices radios, satellites, um, I suppose the telephone would fall under this heading look, I ll be honest I don t know much about SIGINT That s for the lab coated geeks in ISIS SIGINT Control Those pathetic little men with slide rules sticking out of their pocket protectors, wearing ties with short sleeved shirts I m not kidding they actually wear ties with short sleeves I guess the short sleeves are practical attire for what they do all day, which I can only assume is masturbate under their desks while looking at hobbit porn on the internets The point is, I know about as much about SIGINT as those fist glazing nerds know about what a clitoris looks like.11 The whole concept by which I mean signals intelligence, not that mysterious and magical, sometimes mauve, sometimes brown, amazing little pleasure bean known as the clitoris is incredibly boring to me Which is why I focus my considerable talents in the area of human intelligence He then really delves into the art of the drink, including a large number of recipes He tells us how to gamble, how to eat out, and how to eat in He goes into details on women and how to always come out on top with themAmateurs and professionals are both discussed.There is a lot covered here on the life of Sterling Archer, all told with his in your face, I am a man humor that I love so much.The series should not be missed by MEN If you are lucky like I am with my wife, you may have a lady in your life that appreciates the humor and slapstick that is Archer If you cannot see the awkward hilarity of Archer finding his mothers activated dildo in a drawer and yet still by need he had to get into that drawer, than this is not for you.

  6. says:

    It seems that Castle isn t the only one cashing in on his success by releasing a book Sterling Archer, spy extraordinaire, write his how to guide on spywork, sex free and paid , food and .While at times the joke does wear a bit thin for the most part this is a hilarious rendition of how to guides full of the humour that makes the show so great It s politically incorrect, disturbing it parts, but surprisingly quite factual I stopped and looked things up a few times and found them to be true The writer s knew how far to take each joke and move to the next subject before it got old Like some other reviewers have said an audiobook version read by H Jon Benjamin would be great, as well as some input from the other characters.All up a good, funny book I d recommend to any Archer fans.

  7. says:

    So we get the world s greatest secret agent which he insists on reminding us he is every 4 5 pages or so writing us a fairly shitty list of what it would take to try and fail miserably to be the world s top secret agent since that position is already filled by him.The book started out great, lots of laughs and witty comments You could actually read it in Archer s own cocky suave voice, talking about his editrix, martinis and cobras.Once we got into the actual how to ing it did slow down a lot, to the point in which I found myself skipping some paragraphs, a thing I very much so hate to do The witty comments and cockery were still there, but had been somehow diluted and only good enough to, at best, result in a little chuckle There is a lot of Bond references there seems to be some kind of rivalry here , those were neat And the cocktail recipes And those Woodhouse Eggs sure look interesting as some other reviewer mentioned.I did learn the meaning of a couple new sex terms, such as queening, which doesn t really seem something that I d thoroughly enjoy But that s just me.I d only recommend this one to hardcore fans of the show And, even though you re fans, don t expect to have your socks blown off.

  8. says:

    This book makes me realize I love the TV show, not the character and his 172 page self declaration of how his life is better than anyone elses This could have easily become fantastic read if it was a retelling of past missions regarding the various subjects referred to in the ToC But no, It s a terrible cash grab from page one that takes 1 5th of the book to just show various drink recipes and inject all the failed cut jokes that couldn t make it into the script.

  9. says:

    Firstly you really need to watch the show Archer to appreciate this book otherwise you ll not get the joke so watch that first then you ll totally know how amazing it is I loved the book, its hilarious and it isn t just the same jokes repeated from the show or episode guides it s totally new and well worth buying Seriously are you watching the show yet Also i love Woodhouse

  10. says:

    I gave How to Archer 5 stars because it is what I expected a 175 pg ish monologue of Sterling Archer, the fictional cartoon spy greatest in the world according to his own claims , bantering about the spy world, admittedly because he s contractually obligated to do just that There s a couple reviews out there citing that it fell flat or that it was too conceited and shallow in parts To them, I simply ask what did you expect It s Archer for Christ s sake It s not some classic literary piece And it s supposed to be conceited and shallow and, gasp, not fucking based in any semblance of fact If the goal of some of the readers reviewers on this site was to cause me to lose faith in humanity, I d say they re doing a damn fine job.Now, if you haven t read it, but you like the show, I d highly recommend this book Read it in Archer s voice aloud if you re that skilled , or in your head, and perhaps even try to visualize yourself in an interview with him The book will be that much better if you do Oh, and hands down, my favorite quote was about the illustration that looked like a gingerbread centaur shitting out a soccer ball I laughed at that for a good couple minutes.Enjoy